The full letter from Monica Lewinsky

Monica Lewinsky, the then White House intern who Bill Clinton in 1998 - chose to cheat on his wife, decided to tell his story. " Why talk now? Because it's time to do it. Last year I turned 40 and it's time to stop walking on his toes about my past and future of others. I am determined to give it a different ending to my story.'ve finally decided to poke his head from behind the railing." Lewinsky sought anonymity during the last ten years. He recently sent a letter entitled "Shame and survival," the magazine Vanity Fair , which published it Thursday.

Then complete the chart:

"How does it feel to be the main oral sex queen of the United States?"

It was early 2001. I was sitting on stage at Cooper Union University in the middle of filming a Q & A for a documentary on HBO . I was the theme. And I was shocked.

Hundreds of people in the audience, mostly students, were looking at me, shocked many, wondering if I would answer the question.

The main reason that had agreed to participate in the program was not for rehashing or alter history "Interngate" but to attempt to move attention to significant issues. Many disturbing political and legal questions had come to light by the investigation and prosecution of President Bill Clinton. But the most shocking were generally ignored. People seemed indifferent to the deeper issues, such as erosion of privacy in the public sphere, the balance of power and gender inequality in politics and the media, and the erosion of legal protections that ensure that neither parent no children would have to testify against the other.

How innocent it was.

There were gasps and mutterings from the audience. Many faceless blurry people shouted"Do not answer".

"It's hurtful and insulting," he said, trying to regain my sharpness. "And insulting it is for me, it's more insulting to my family. Really do not know why this story is not turned on oral sex. Do not know. It was a mutual relationship ... who has done it may be a result of a society dominated by men. "

The audience laughed. Maybe they were surprised to hear these words coming from me.

I looked directly at the smiling guy who asked the question. "Maybe you're in a better position to answer that." After a pause, I added, "That probably cost me another year of therapy."

They would argue that accepting to participate in a documentary by HBO called Monica in black and white I had signed up to be embarrassed and publicly humiliated again. They might even think that I had become accustomed to humiliation. This meeting in Cooper Union, after all, paled in comparison to the 445-page Starr Report, which was the culmination of a four-year investigation of independent counsel Kenneth Starr on Clinton in the White House. It included a chapter and verse about my private sexual activities, along with transcripts of audio recordings that recorded many of my private conversations. But the question of "queen of oral sex", which was included in the program when it was broadcast on HBO in 2002 - stayed with me for a long time.

True, it was not the first time he had been stigmatized by my affair with Bill Clinton .But never before been confronted so directly, one to one, with such a coarse characterization.One of the unintended consequences of accepting myself to look at and try to tell the truth was that shame would again put around my neck like a scarlet A. Believe me, once you have it, it is very difficult to get it out.

If that awkward moment in Cooper Union had been passed a few years later, with the advent of social media, the humiliation would have been even more devastating. That clip would have gone viral on Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, TMZ , Gawker. would have been a meme on Tumblr. The same virality have deserved mention in the Daily Beast and the Huffington Post.As it was, it was enough viral and, thanks to the comprehensive nature of the Web, you could, 12 years later, watch it all day on YouTube if you want (and I hope you have better things to do with your time).

I know I'm not alone when it comes to public humiliation. Nobody, it seems, can escape the unforgiving gaze internet, where gossip, half-truths and lies are rooted and bitter. We have created, to borrow a term from historian Niculaus Mills, a "culture of humiliation," which not only encourages and delights in the pleasure of the humiliation of others, but also rewards those who belittle others from Paparazzi to gossip bloggers, night comedians and "entrepreneurs" of the web who profit from illegal videos.

Was arguably the most humiliated person in the world

Yes, we are all connected now. We can tweet a revolution in the streets or register large or small gains. But we're caught in a circle retroalimentable defamation and shame, one in which we become victims and perpetrators. Maybe we do not become a society if sometimes cruel, really, it feels as if we had done, but the Internet has seismically shifted the tone of our interactions. The ease, speed and distance to give us our electronic devices can also make us colder, more eloquent and less concerned about the consequences of our jokes and prejudices. Having lived humiliation in the most intimate way possible, that impresses me so happy to have all accepted this new way of being.

In my own case, each easily click YouTube link that reinforces the archetype, despite my efforts to divert it: I, the Queen of Oral Sex U.S.. That through. That bitch. Or, in the words of our president inescapable number 42, "that woman."

It may surprise you to learn that I really am that person.

In 1998, when news came of my affair with Bill Clinton, was arguably the most humiliated person in the world. Thanks to the Drudge Report, also possibly I was the first person whose total humiliation was driven by internet.

For several years I chanced on the business of fashion accessories and I got involved in various media projects, including HBO documentary. Then, for the most part kept a low profile.(The last major interview I gave was ten years ago). After all, does not have a low profile I was exposed to criticism for trying to "take advantage" of my "reputation". Apparently, others talk about me it's okay; speaking for myself what is not. I rejected offers that would have earned me over $ s10 million because they felt like the right thing to do. Over time, the media circus quieted, but never followed through, even when I tried to do.

Meanwhile, I saw how the lives of my friends moved on. Marriage. Children. Titles. (Second marriages. More children. More titles). Decided to change the page and do a postgraduate.

I moved to England to study, to challenge myself, to escape the scrutiny and to reimagine my identity. My professors and colleagues at the University of Economics in London were wonderful, friendly and respectful. He had more anonymity in London, perhaps for the fact that I spent most of my hours in class or in the library. In 2006, I graduated from a MA in Social Psychology. My master's thesis examined the social bias in the court and was titled "In Search of impartial jury: an exploration of the pretrial publicity and the Third Person Effect". I liked to joke that was changing the blue dress blue stockings, and the title gave me a new scaffolding on which to hang my life experiences. Also prove to be hoped, an escape to a normal life.

I moved to London, Los Angeles, New York and Portland, Oregon, and had interviews for a variety of jobs that were covered in "creative communication" and "brands", with an emphasis on charity campaigns. However, so my potential employers tactfully called my "story", I was never "just" for the position. In some cases, it was perfect for the wrong reasons, as in "Of course, your job require you to go to our events." And, of course , these events would be to attend the press.

In a promising job interview that took place in the run up to the 2008 election season, the conversation took an interesting turn. "The thing is, Monica," said the interviewer. "Clearly you're a young bright and affable, but for us and probably for any organization that depends on grants and financing government-is risky. First need a letter of compensation for Clinton. After all, there is a 25% chance that Mrs. Clinton is the next president. " I gave him a fake smile and said, "I understand."

In another job interview, this typical: I went to the rigid and cold reception area but a modern prestigious advertising agency in Los Angeles, my hometown. As always, put on my best smile "I am friendly, not a diva." "Hello. Monica Lewinsky to see So and So."

The receptionist twentysomething adjusted his black glasses hipster edge. "Monicawhat? ".

Before I could answer, another twentysomething, in tight jeans, plaid shirt and bow, and moved quickly interrupted: " Miss Lewinsky . " As a bartender, he continued: " A pleasure to have you here . know I'll make it to So and So who came? Soy Latte Green Tea Water? filter.?? ".

I found myself sitting at a small round table, face to face with Tal and Tal, head of strategy and planning agency. Speak. She was still grinning. This was not going well. I tried not to get nervous. Now not only made ​​faces but also cleared his throat. Was that sweat on your forehead? Then I realized: she was nervous, tics and all.

I had become skilled in handling a number of reactions in social situations and job interviews. I get it: it must be disconcerting to sit in front of "that woman." Needless to say, I did not get the position.

Eventually I realized that the traditional employment might not be an option for me. I managed to fix (just sometimes) with my own projects, usually with projects in which I participated or loans from family and friends.

In another job interview I was asked "If you were a brand Will, marking be?". Let me tell you, when you're Monica Lewinsky, that is a very loaded question.

In September 2010, the culmination of these experiences began to give me a broader context.A phone conversation with my mother changed the lens through which the world watched. We were discussing the tragic death of Tyler Clemente. Tyler, remember, was a freshman at Rutgers 18 years secretly filmed by the webcam are kissing another man. Days later, after being ridiculed and humiliated in social media, he committed suicide by jumping off the George Washington Bridge.

I rejected offers that would have earned me over $ s10 million

My mom cried. Sobbing, repeated again and again: "How are your parents must feel ... his poor parents."

It was an incredibly tragic event, but also made ​​me listen to mourn, I could not understand why my mom was so destroyed. then I realized: I was reliving 1998 when he kept me homebound . I was reliving those weeks when she was in my bed. Night after night, because I was suicidal. Shame, contempt and fear that had thrown her daughter had put too afraid to take my own life; a fear that humiliated me to kill me. (I never tried to kill myself, but I had strong suicidal temptations several times during investigations and for one or two periods after).

Never be so presumptuous as to put my story on the same level as that of Tyler Clementi. After all, my public humiliation was the result of my entanglement with a public figure recognized worldwide; that is, a result of poor own choices. But then, when I felt the deep pain of my mother, I wished I could have a chance to talk with Tyler about my love life, my sex life, my most private moments, my best kept secrets were transmitted around the world . I wished I could tell he knew a little about how you may have felt when exposed to the world. And that, it was difficult to imagine, it was possible to survive.

With the tragedy of Tyler, my own suffering took a different meaning. Maybe sharing my story, I reasoned, I can help others in their darkest moments of humiliation. The question became: how to find and give it a purpose to my past? It was my moment of Prufock: "I dare to disturb the universe ? ". Or, in my case, the Clinton universe.

Despite a decade of self-imposed silence, I was periodically revived as part of the national conversation, mostly in connection with Clinton. For example, in January and February this year, Rand Paul, Kentucky Senator and possible candidate for chairman of the Republican Party in 2016, managed to crawl to the pre-election manure. He fought against the accusation of Democrats that the GOP is carrying out a "war against women" arguing that Bill Clinton had committed "violence" work and function as a "predator" against "a 20 year old girl that was there for college ".

Sure, my boss took advantage of me, but I'll always keep firmly in this position: it was a consensual relationship . Any "abuse" came later, when I was turned into a scapegoat to protect their powerful position.

So try not disappear kept me out of the fight. I am, for better or worse, I presumed to be known.Every day I am recognized. All day. Sometimes a person goes next to me again and again as if not noticing. (Fortunately, 99.9% of the time, when strangers tell me something, support me and respect). Everyday someone mentioned me in a tweet or blog, and not always kindly.Every day, it seems, my name appears in an opinion piece or news clip or two, mentioned in passing in articles on topics as diverse as the millennials, Scandal, and the love life of French President François Hollande. Miley Cyrus refers to me when you twerking on stage, Eminem raps about me and Beyoncé's latest hit me reference. Thanks, Beyoncé, but if we use names as verbs, I think you mean "He did a Bill Clinton on my dress," not a "Monica Lewinsky".

Yet man I have a date ( yes , I have quotes!), I suffer some degree of memory of 1998.I have to be cautious about what it means to be "public" with someone. In the first years after the process, once left a front row seat next to the third-base line on a Yankees game when I found out that my date-a guy whose company I enjoyed very-he was in a relationship. It was just a marriage to get a green card, but I got scared that we could be photographed together and knock on the rags of gossip. I became adept at noticing when men are interested in me for the wrong reason. Fortunately, these were few and far apart in time. But every man who was special to me in the past 16 years, helped me find another part of me, the me that was destroyed in 1998. And, beyond the heartache, tears and disappointment, always'm going to be thankful.

In February this year, around the time that Senator Paul put me in the spotlight unwittingly I became the "loony narcissist", the latest twist in the Self as Archetype.

An image of a scenario that I got used too, even when he tried to continue with my life: a shrill ring interrupted the rhythm of my day. The call-Goalie building that I'm in New York makes me say an exasperated " What, again? " . Reappeared: the paparazzi, like swallows, they returned to the sidewalk outside, walk and run and walk some more.

I go to the computer. It's time for a little autogoogleo. (Oh, dear reader, please do not judge me). My heart sinks. There is an explosion in Google News. I know what that means. Any day you had planned went overboard. Leave the house and risk being photographed-only ensures that history will live.

The cameras have returned to the headlines. Conservative website was reviewing at the University of Arkansas file one of the closest friends and admirers of Hillary Clinton, Diane Blair, and found a series of memos 90 In some of them, Blair, who died in 2000, quotes the former first lady about her husband's relationship with me. Although Hillary as Blair notes, said he considered the "period" of his inexcusable husband vindicated him for trying to "handle someone who was clearly a 'narcissistic crazy.'"

My first thought, as I stood up, if that was the worst that said, I consider myself lucky. Mrs. Clinton, leo, had allegedly confided to Blair, in part, blamed herself for the adventure of her husband (being negligent emotionally) and seemed to have forgiven. Although Bill felt that he had acted with a "rude and inappropriate" behavior, the adventure was, however, "consensual (it was not a power relationship)."

I will always keep me steadfast in this position: it was a consensual relationship

The usual answer calls from friends who provide moral support when media stories make these volcanic eruption. Undo the tension with well-meaning jokes: "So let's change your monogram to NC?". I try to ignore the long-buried comments first lady. Given my experiences with Linda Tripp, I know better than anyone what it's like a conversation with a friend from being exposed and scrutinized, taken out of context. But just begins to eat away at me. I realize that Hillary Clinton was, unlike me when Tripp checking my deepest secrets and insecurities and recording them, fully aware of this documentation: it is that, according to memos, Blair asked to keep a log or journal their discussions for archival purposes.

Yes, I understand. Hillary Clinton wanted it recorded who was lashing out at her husband's mistress. There may be blamed her husband for being inappropriate, but I find his drive to blame the woman-not only to me but also to her disturbing. And well known: each marital indiscretion that reaches the public sphere, many of which involve policy-male, always seems that women are blamed conveniently. Sure, Eliot Spitzers Anthony Weiners and do what they can to look humiliated on cable news. Dejan public life for a while, but inevitably return, leaving everything behind . Women in these tangles return to lives that are not so easily repaired.

But there is another layer that angers me: Narcissistic? Crazy??

You may remember that just five days before the world had heard my name, the FBI after my friend Linda Tripp approached the office of special prosecutor Kenneth Starr with information about my affair with the president ambushed me in a terrifying operation in the Pentagon City Mall At 24 years old, stuck in a hotel room on January 16, 1998, with mostly male interrogators Starr getting orders, tried to dissuade me from calling my lawyer and was threatened with 27 years of prison for filing a sworn statement in which he denied the affair with Clinton, among other alleged crimes . I was offered immunity if they accept and place calls monitored using a microphone in talks with two of the confidants of the president and possibly the president himself. I refused. Trusting Linda Tripp became an unintentional betrayal. But this? The mother of all betrayals. That would not. Brave or stupid, maybe, but narcissistic and crazy?

These descriptions of 16 years old revived memories of pain, particularly in the area of ​​women throwing derision among them. So you may wonder: where are the feminists were then? Is the question that disturbs me to this day.

He wanted some sign of understanding of a feminist group. Was good classic women's support was needed. None came. Given the issues at stake, gender politics, sex-work, one would expect them to talk. They did not. I understand your dilemma: Bill Clinton was a "friendly" president with the causes of women.

It did not help that my case was not one of conventional "sexual harassment", thecharge against Bill Clinton was made ​​by Paula Jones, who assembled a huge lawsuit against him. My name came up only because thanks to new advances in feminist research in such cases could launch a larger network. The Jones case a club with which to hit the right feminists who supported Clinton became: Why not enthusiastically supported an investigation into a sexual harassment case? What if the president had been a Republican? Accusations of hypocrisy flew.

A few representatives of the modern feminist movement involved slightly. Yet, instead of meaningful engagement, we had this:. Jan. 30, 1998 Day 9 of the scandal. Cocktails at Le Bernardin in Manhattan. In attendance: Erica Jong writers, Nancy Friday, Katie Roiphe and Elizabeth Benedict; the writer of Saturday Night Live Patricia Marx; Marisa Bow, editor of Word , an online magazine; Fashion designer Nicole Mille; Susan Shellogg old dominatrix; and his host, co-owner of Le Bernardin Maguy Le Coze. The New York Observer joined this group to exchange perceptions "Interngate" to be recorded by Francine Prose. (Sadly, the girl who really make this whole group missed: Maureen Down, or "Moremean Dowdy" as I used to call it today, I would gather with her ​​for a drink.).

Oh, what it must have been to be in that cocktail party:

Marisa Bowe : whole life revolves around being in control and being smart. And his wife is also very smart and is always in control. And the thought of having sex with a stupid not very bright woman in the Oval Office is something appealing.

I imagined : I'm not saying it's brilliant, but how do you know that what I am? My first job after college was in the White House.

Shellogg Susan : And you think it's terribly selfish? Selfish and demanding, does having oral sex and do not reciprocate? I mean ... she said, "Well, he met me."

I : And where exactly did not say this? What public statement did not? What testimony was not posted?

Katie Roiphe : I think people are shocked by the way (Monica Lewinsky) is seen, which is interesting. Because we like to believe our presidents are like gods, and if JFK has an affair with Marilyn Monroe, all in the realm of the demigods ... So, what I keep hearing over and over is that Monica Lewinsky is not as Cute.

I : Well, thank you. The first image that came up was the passport. What you would you like your passport photo to be published around the world as the picture that defines you? What you are also saying here is that the main quality that would qualify for a woman to have an intimate relationship with a powerful man's physical attractiveness. If that's not a step back, do not know what it is.

Erica Jong : My dental hygienist showed me that has a third-grade disease in the gums.

Shellogg : What do you think will happen to him (her)? That is, is it going to disappear quietly or write a book? Or people will forget it in six months?

Nancy Friday : You can rent your mouth.

I : (no words).

Jong : But, you know, men like approach mouths were close to power. Think fantasy in the mind of man while she's down and he's thinking "Oh my God."

Elizabeth Benedict : Do to me what you did with the President. Do that.

I : (Even without words).

Jong : I think we are not insulting Monica Lewinsky is a tribute to how far we've come.

The hurtful topic appeared as headline "Supergirls NEW YORK LOVE TO THAT WICKED PRESIDENT". (In a note he wrote for Vanity Fair , Marjorie Williams called it "the most embarrassing thing I read in a long time"). For me, illustrates an aspect of culture perplejizante humiliation, one that Phyllis Chesler acknowledged in her book Woman's Inhumanity to Woman: that women themselves are not immune to certain types of misogyny. Today we see how "bad girls" school lurking in the area of recreation that is current internet (or at the round table of experts appearing on television or in a French restaurant), always ready to go insulting.

I still have a deep respect for feminism and I appreciate the great strides made the motion to advance a matter as the rights of women in past decades. But, based on my experience of having been passed from hand to hand like a canape gender politics, I do not identify as a feminist with a capital F. The leaders of the movement failed to articulate a position that essentially was not against women in 1998. In the case of "Supergirls New York," I should not have been so difficult for them to pounce on the president not to attack or ashamed. Instead, they were part of an act of humiliation.

I, myself, I deeply regret what happened between President Clinton and me. Let me repeat: I.Myself. Sorry. Deeply. Lo. Que. It happened. At that time, at least from my point of view, it was a real connection with emotional intimacy, frequent visits, plans, phone calls and exchanging gifts . Still in my early twenties, I was too young to understand the real consequences and too young to realize it was going to be sacrificed for political expediency.Now I look back and shake my head and wonder: that was where we were-you-thinking? 'd Give anything to go back in time, rewind the tape.

Like many Americans, I've been thinking about Hillary Clinton. What, I wonder, if I decided to run in 2016? What if you win? What if you win a second time?

But when I think about these issues, to me there is a dimension that goes beyond game to finally have a woman in the White House. We all remember the battle cry of second-wave feminism, "the personal is political". Many people (myself included) said that my relationship with Bill Clinton was a personal issue, not one suitable for use in a high-risk political war. When I hear talk about the potential candidacy of Hillary, I can not help thinking of a new wave of paparazzi, a new wave of style items "Whatever happened to ...?", The next time you mention me on Fox News while covering the primaries. I have begun to find it debilitating to have to assemble the cycle of my life in some way about a political agenda. For me, it is a scenario in which the personal and the political are impossible to separate.

In 2008, when Hillary was a candidate for president, remained virtually confined

In 2008, when Hillary was a candidate for president, remained virtually imprisoned despite flooded me with requests for interviews me. I procrastinated some related media projects in 2012 until after the election ads. (They were eventually canceled, and no, despite what some media say, I was not offered a contract for 12 million dollars to write a book telling all intimacies-topic). And recently, once again, I found myself wrapped in shyness, afraid to "become a topic of debate" back in case he decided to run again. But should I put my life on hold for 8 or 10 years?

Being a Democrat-awareness and be aware that I could use both the right and left-, I kept quiet for 10 years. In fact, I was so quiet that in some circles it is said that the Clintons should have paid me not to talk. If not, why should I not speak? I can assure you that there is nothing further from the truth.

Why talk now? Because it's time to do it.

Last year I turned 40 and it's time to stop walking on his toes about my past and future of others. I am determined to give it a different ending to my story. Finally I decided to poke his head from behind the railing so I can retrieve the narrative of my life and make sense of my past. (How much will it cost me is something I will find out soon). Despite what some false headlines will comment on this note, this is not a "Me against the Clintons." Their lives went ahead; occupy important and powerful on the global stage locations. They do not want anything bad. And I totally understand that what happened to me and my future has nothing to do with them.

It also has to do with the personal and the political. I have lived many of the questions that eventually became a central part of our national discussion since 1998.? far do we allow the government that we get into our rooms? How do we combine our right to privacy with the need to know the indiscretions sex? How can we protect ourselves from a government that increasingly asks us greater access to our private data and information? And most importantly a personal level, how do we deal with the way in which shame the other in the age of the Internet? (My current goal is to get involved in efforts to help victims who have been humiliated or embarrassed on the internet and talk about these issues in public).

So far, "that woman" has never managed to escape the shadow of that the way they appeared in public for the first time. I was the Plaguing Unstable (a phrase spread by the Clinton Administration) Easy Silly Girl and the Innocent Poor who could not understand what he was doing. The Clinton Administration, the minions of the special prosecutor, political operatives on both sides of the political scene and the media managed to label me all that. And all that left a mark that was full of power. I became a social representation, social canvas on which anyone could project their confusion about women, sex, infidelity, politics and the body.

Unlike the others involved, I was so young that it had not established an identity to which to return. No "I let this define me"-in 1998, just had not had the life experience necessary to establish my own identity. If you managed not yet understand who you are, it is difficult not to accept the horrible image that others believe in you. (Hence the compassion we feel for those young people today are embarrassed on the internet). Despite a lot of personal therapy and search and explore other paths, I remained "stuck" for too long.

Not any more. It's time to burn and bury beret blue dress . And go forward.